Playing the Office Field

From: SingleOfficeGuy

Issue: What is the etiquette for playing the field in the office? It's seem in bad taste to lay on the full charm, but a bit of flirting is actually good for office moral. What is the line? I've been picking up vibes from a few attractive ladies but I feel it's inappropriate to ask them out because of the work situation. And being casual and sneaking, just seems a bit weird to me.

Diagnosis: Although I often reach in to the grab bag of my own life experiences to help shed light on certain situations, I currently have no co-workers. Yes, I'm living the control freak's dream. So, my personal life is going to stay out of this answer. Sort of.

My man-friend, however, employs a small group of women in the age range of 20 to 40-ish. All seem to freely engage in inappropriate discourse with him, which makes me wonder -- if there is a line that shouldn't be crossed/boundaries in the workplace, no one seems to give a rat's ass.

One of them consistently refers to he and his business partner as "sweetie" or "babe". Another has divulged that she enjoys cutting herself and bleeding on boxes of his product. Oh god, that sounds awful. Said man-friend finds comfort in thinking that she meant it figuratively. Uh, let's hope so.

But all of that is fairly innocent, and I do agree with you, SOG, that "a bit of flirting is good for office moral." Smaller companies tend to have more of a family-like atmosphere, where it's not all business, all the time. Co-workers tend to feel more comfortable revealing details of their personal lives, and the friend/co-worker line gets blurred. How does this translate to dating?

While I tend to lightheartedly answer "go for it" to many questions, I think that this is the type of situation that you should approach with apprehension and fully weigh possible consequences. Remember, the opposite of the quaint, kindred-like office dynamic is the corporate, HR-driven establishment, chock-full of sexual harassment policies.

If you're looking for a fling, go to a bar and meet someone that you don't have to see every morning at 08:30am. If you sense a "real connection" with one of the attractive ladies, take things slow. You work together, so it makes sense that you would have things in common and similar interests -- hopefully you'll both have enough sense to realize all the possible scenarios that could arise from getting involved with each other. In general, I think it's safe to say: lay on the charm, turn on the flirt switch at the office to keep things interesting, just keep it at the office.

Checked Out

From: A.D.D ?

Issue: Why is it so easy to dwell in the past or look forward to the future, rather than just be in the present? I'm sick of being distracted.

Diagnosis: This question could also be titled, "Why can't I sleep at night?" We've all seen the Ambien television commercial where the overly dramatic toss-and-turn-er thought-bubbles (yeah, it's a new verb) about the past day, and everything that is on tap for tomorrow. Bitch should be sleeping!

But the fact that the problem is quite apparent -- think daydreaming in school as a kid, or saving/yearning for retirement -- doesn't solve the troubling issue of not being appreciative of current experiences.

Some might say that life is just a constant spin-cycle of reflecting on memories that make us who we are, and a rinse-cycle of planning for happiness in the future. What's wrong with that? Nothing, really -- unless you find yourself so disconnected from the here and now that all that planning for "happiness in the future" never comes to fruition. Get it? Cycle. I say the extra discipline that it takes to "live in the moment" is worth it. I know it's strange that for some people it does take extra effort to just relax and enjoy. And by some people, I mean everyone. Come on, who isn't working for the weekend? ;)

I don't want it to sound like I'm knocking ambition or the initiative that it takes to accomplish a great project in the future, just don't let all that planning cloud your vision of everything that is great today. Enjoy the process...how, you ask?

The stark advice that I have is to keep reminding yourself, every five minutes if necessary, to take a deep breath and be grateful for every present second. If that's what it takes, that's what it takes. I don't think that there is a more practical solution that is completely in your control -- perhaps drinking lots and lots of alcohol, but I'm not going to recommend that.

Peace and Quiet

From: Too Quiet

Issue: My new neighbors are really loud and always have a lot of people over. I can't even tell who actually lives there. From hearing them inside and outside the apartment, they seem to be pretty obnoxious. I'm too intimidated to say anything, but it's really annoying. What can I do?

Diagnosis: A few weeks ago, during my first viewing of the movie Juno, there was a baby screaming throughout the entire movie. I know, how appropriate, right? The unfit mother never took the crying goober out of the theater, but instead paced back and forth down the theater aisle with the little noise machine. Crying-baby-in-surround-sound was not an advertised feature of the theater -- oh, did I mention it was a 9:35pm showing? Ridiculous.

But what did I do beside roll my eyes a few times? Nothing. Though I felt my blood start to boil as I was distracted from hipster quips and the adorable Michael Cera, I, unlike said baby, kept my mouth shut. So did the rest of the at-capacity theater. Which is the worse crime -- the offensive noise, or being offended without defending your rights as a movie-goer?

You have to ask yourself, Quiet, the same thing about your rowdy neighbors. Yeah, it totally blows that they are so inconsiderate, but if don't vocalize your rights as a tenant, then you are just giving them an invitation to disturb you. I, too, come from the too-quiet persuasion. The hesitation to speak up, for me, comes from a fear that the outcome won't change -- I'm going to perpetuate the situation by confronting the offender, but they're not going to give a shit. In the case of the baby mama drama during Juno, the effort to get up and address the situation might not even result in the removal of the tater-tot from the theater. In the case of your neighbors, if you articulate that they are too loud, you run the risk of receiving a "Suck it. That's just the way I are" response (queue the Timbaland beat...)

It might not be a bad idea to play the wuss-card and just tell your landlord. Regardless if he/she lives on the property, it is his/her job to address noise complaints, leaving you completely anonymous. It's an efficient way to take care of the situation. In general, though, it might also not be a bad idea to work on being a little more ballsy. If my father sees the tiniest cell phone light on in a movie theater, he says in a loud, stern voice "put the cell phone away." Yes, embarrassing when it is your father -- but he might have the right idea.

Eager Relationship

From: Andy

Issue: Hey. So I have been talking to this girl online. We started exchanging emails about a month ago. She usually takes about 3 to 4 days to respond to mine. But, I usually respond to hers the same day I get one from her. I feel, well, like I look desperate. But I think it's more that I'm just not into the "playing games" thing. If I'm on my computer, which I inevitably am at one point during the day, I will respond to my emails. And if I see one from her, it's practically impossible to not respond. Is it that she is really that busy that she has little time to respond to emails? Is she playing hard to get? I think I might have a little bit of a crush on her so I don't want to push her away by coming on too strong.

Diagnosis: I've come to know two types of online personalities. The first one I call type "FF". Individuals who fall under the category of FF see "new" ways of communicating as a breath of fresh air. Email, MySpace, Facebook, text messaging...etc. complement their busy lifestyles. They can keep up with everything that is going on in their circle of friends -- all while multi-tasking at work, without having to say one word out loud. You, Andy, have an FF online personality.

Congratulations. While some might tell you to get a life and stop being so available to iGirl, I totally feel you. You aren't going out of your way to respond to her emails -- it's part of your daily routine to respond promptly to electronic communication. If you haven't guessed yet, FF stands for "Flax & Friends". Why run up a huge phone bill just because it is traditional? Text message plans are cheap and texting cuts through the "hi, how are you?" bullshit. MySpace and email are free. Using these tools to exchange information is hardly inferior to verbal communication.

After years of research on the other type of online personality, I have come to call it "LAME". No, not an acronym for anything clever, it simply means that these individuals are laaaaaame. A text message, an IM, a MySpace comment -- is not a marriage proposal. It's a casual, non-invasive way of communicating. The LAME don't see it that way; bordering on "game playing", the LAME need to think about responding to less-classical ways of communicating rather than naturally reciprocating the conversation thread.

Now, we're all guilty of selective responding. Certain people are just on our radar, while it's easy to forget to respond to others. This used to be called not returning a phone call. I'm not saying that it's a crime to take a day, a week, a month to respond to electronic correspondence; people do get busy and forget, it's just the attitude in which you view the email, for instance.

I don't want to hate on the LAME too much, but it's pretty archaic to view email as a less important way of communicating. iGirl has an email account (obviously), she uses her email (obviously), but doesn't "really" use it. Just like those who have MySpace profiles, log in everyday, but don't respond to messages. All symptoms of the LAME.

I wish I knew if you've met iGirl in person and how you came to exchanging emails, but I don't think that information is pertinent to the advice that I have for you: FF types and LAME types are inevitably going to interact, but recognizing who you are dealing with will save you frustration. The important thing is to keep being yourself and responding to LameGirl Pro when you see fit.

I can't pinpoint exactly what her deal is, but if she thinks that you are coming on too strong and takes your emails for granted, screw her. Anyone who is crush-worthy will have similar response patterns and will appreciate your initiative to get with the times. After all, Andy You're a Star.

Re-living the past

From: Feeling Stuck

Issue: Although I wouldn't want to get back together with either of my last few boyfriends, I really miss aspects of their personalities. One of them cheated on me, so I don't want to date the same type of person, but I'm having trouble moving on. I invested so much time in getting to know each of them, and for what? I'm just really hopeless that anything in the future will work out. How can I put the past in the past and still learn from my mistakes?

Diagnosis: Due to the spirit of the season, I recently found myself in possession of a box of Cashew Rocas. Even though I've been a long-time fan of the Almond Roca candy, I was unaware of the Cashew Roca. I love cashews and almonds almost equally, so I was pleased to learn of their existence -- toffee, chocolate, cashews -- what's not to like?

I sat down to enjoy the individually wrapped treat and it was everything that I expected. Since I can't have just one of anything that I like, I quickly unwrapped a second C'Roc' and popped it in my mouth. The first bite was mushy and lacking flavor. The second bite also lacked that familiar buttercrunch toffee, and by the third bite I was spitting out the rancid nugget. Filled with disappointment, the disgusting taste still lingering in my mouth, I reached for the closest food item. I ate at least 10 Triscuits to rid my mouth of the nauseating taste. Needless to say, I did not revisit the box of Cashew Rocas that evening ...

With the prospect of any new relationship, you hope to overcome the past by projecting new and improved qualities on the fresh relationship. This is what people commonly refer to as expectations. It seems to me, Stuck, that you have high expectations, but are currently afraid of them. You are afraid to find yourself in a situation where expectations are inevitable for fear of disappointment.

I could tell you to lower your expectations of others. I could tell you to not fear disappointment. I could tell you that the only reason that you can't get over the past is because you are keeping it alive in your mind. But here is what I'm going to recommend: only concern yourself with expectations for yourself. The expectations, disappointment and memories that are currently holding you back have to do with external circumstances and individuals. A good step toward moving on is feeling in control of your destiny.

If relationships aren't worth your time because of the capricious way that others act and the cruel way that they play with your emotions, you need to embrace two realizations:

First, you are a capricious and cruel human as well. I obviously don't know you, but we are often just as guilty of the negative qualities that are more *clearly visible* in other people. While it might seem like I am insulting you, I am actually trying to empower you. You're not a helpless victim, but an active decision maker. And sometimes the decisions that you make are going to hurt other people. You're not the only one with crushed expectations. When you put your emotions out there to be hurt/disappointed, you are also on the scene to hurt and disappoint.

Second, to break this "what goes around comes around" cycle in attempt to "heal" or "move on", you must focus on other aspects of your life that make you, you -- goals, ambitions, personal development...etc. When you give your attention to those things that you have more discernible control over, all those pesky expectations are reflected right back at you. It's up to you; the loser boyfriend who cheated on you is out of the equation.

...the night after "Flax and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad Cashew Roca experience", I cautiously gazed at my last Cashew Roca package. Cashews aside, what did I want to do? What were my expectations for myself? It all became clear as I excitedly opened the blue aluminum wrapping and took a bite. I couldn't help but smile. Delicious.

If you want to help yourself, a bad Cashew Roca can teach you about what kind of person you want to be, rather than spoil the whole box.

Time to Grow Up

From: Concerned Sibling

Issue: My younger brother graduated from college this year, but he doesn't understand that it's time to grow up. He still has a carefree, college mentality. He's not motivated to take on any responsibility. How do I make it clear to him that now is the time to start getting his life together?

Diagnosis: Although graduating from college is a milestone for many different reasons, I think that it is a mistaken notion that it is a time to "grow up." So, Concerned, just like Rami and Jillian on Project Runway this week, we must agree to disagree on this one. (Can someone please send me a link/.gif of Christian twirling? I freaking ADORE him! So quotable, so "fierce"...)

I understand your concern and I see why you want to inspire your brother to do great things, but you have to lay off the pressure -- give him some time to figure things out. We waste so much time being down on ourselves about what we are not doing, rather than taking time to enjoy what is actually going on. Your brother may not be spending his days inventing alternative fuel, but he could certainly be expanding his mind in other ways. And he might even *gasp* be happy with who he is as a person. That's worth way more in the long run than someone who has a "perfect" plan for the future. Here's a little thing to keep in mind about the future: if it doesn't come, you better by happy with what you did today.

From my own experience, I was such a nerd in college (yeah, not much has changed ;) ) that I actually lightened up a lot more post-graduation. It was from those experiences that I "grew up" -- I can write proudly as I come to the last stretch of my quarter life crisis. There is no formula for becoming the person that you want to be, you just gotta roll with the punches. Sometimes you have to be comfortable being vulnerable to be the most stable. Crazy, right? Crazy.

"Growing up" is a never-ending process that you recognize every once in a while when you turn certain corners. If you want to be a positive influence until your brother reaches one of those corners, encourage him to pursue his interests and make smart choices. Be a support system rather than a disciplinary. Watch out for him, but don't try to force anything -- it's pointless.

In the words of OutKast "you can plan a pretty picnic, but you can't predict the weather." Hey ya.

I don't want him here

From: Lisa

Inquiry: My friend and housemate recently started dating this guy, and they're basically attached at the hip. She leaves for work very early in the morning and afterwards, goes straight to his house. They usually end up sleeping here. On the weekends, they continue to spend every moment together. While I miss her, I have no real problem with any of this. He has no apparent job, and is also without a car. At the moment I don't have a job either, so I'm home a lot during the day. Here's the thing: twice now she has decided to let him "sleep in" and stay here. I don't even know he's here until he comes lolling out of her door sometime in the middle of the afternoon. The fact that he's here without her really bothers me for some reason -- I don't really know this guy or what he's like. Am I being unreasonable? Also, I don't know how to talk to my housemate about this. Like I said, I rarely see her anymore, and when I do she's usually with him.

Diagnosis: Ahh, you're question, simply Lisa, mentions my two favorite circumstances that tear friendships apart: romantic relationships and shared living space. Not only has your friendship with Roomie been put on the back burner due to the layer of super-glue between her and Mister Likes-to-Sleep-in, BUT there is also a creepy dude squatting in your home. Lovely.

In the name of general advice, I must take this opportunity to advise everyone out there to LIVE ALONE. The cheaper rent is not worth the drama, and subsequent anxiety and headaches that come with living with someone else -- no matter how much you get along with her/him before you live together. I could go off on a million tangents about this, but I better focus on your question ...

No, you're not being unreasonable for not wanting him to waste the day in the abode where you pay monthly rent. The thing is, your housemate does not think that she is being unreasonable by letting him stay there. She thinks of him as an extension of herself, and she has rights in the residence. By the transitive property, so does he. So, that's a little background about where she is coming from: She trusts him, she wants to make things easy for him, him, him, him...sounds like she cares a lot about you, right?

Being "in love with love" makes a person (usually a stupid girl -- and I say that with the utmost respect, being a stupid girl myself) forget to look for qualities in a person that are worthy of love. Instead, we just get instantly attached to an individual because there is some basic connection that we want to milk for all it's worth. Give us an inch, we'll take a mile. Because she is caught up in all of this, she has forgotten to be considerate about how you feel about having a stranger in your home.

What's the consequence of expressing your concern? What usually happens is that you become the enemy. The minute you two are done talking about the situation, she's gonna whip out the celly and text/call him to explain what happened. Awkward encounters will follow that might include glaring eyes, harsh whispers and b-lines for her room as soon as they enter the front door. All because you wanted to lay down the law that guests should leave when the permanent resident, who invited them there in the first place, leaves.

That is the rule that you wanted, right? You can't make exceptions for, perhaps, less-leachy boyfriends, or for your own guests. It's all or nothing. Again, do I really need to explain more why it's so much better to live alone? If you don't, you need to establish these rules from the get-go, not just when something doesn't go your way. I'd take advantage of this situation and take the time to lay down more ground rules for other potential less-than-desirable encounters.

If you are going to let it bother you, you should tell her how you feel. Although you don't see her very often without him, it seems like you did used to be friends. Ask her for some "friend time": Text/call her at work, email her, leave a note on her door -- simply state that you want to hang out, get a bite to eat together. During this time, ask more about their relationship and about him. Volunteer info. about what is going on in your life and casually bring up your concerns about her boyfriend. I'm not hopeful that she will listen to what you say, but at the very least she will become aware of appropriate/inappropriate behavior in your home. When she moves out eventually, don't look for a new housemate, get your own place.